Theledge.net

I had no idea sibling rivalry would extend so far... I guess I should have known, but for some reason it never occurred to me.

You two dear, sweet, and adorable girls struggled through three rounds of a matching game this morning and were, by and large, very good. Sure, we had some whining, some cheating, some yelling and some cards thrown around, but I seem to remember that family is like that, even when you are too young to drink.

Eventually, however, we petered out to a point where it was no longer possible to have any kind of organized game and, Bettie, you devolved into a tearful mess stretched out faced down on the floor. And you, Alphie, (while trying to either be supportive or steal her super important role as “sad-sack McPouty”) laid down next to her.

And it was at this point that you, Bettie, started yelling, because up until this moment you were quite comfortable that your tantrum was the only tantrum that mattered. And what were you yelling? You were yelling “No sissy, I have tantrum! I have tantrum!”

Recently you have started to try to express concepts of time and space, even though you don’t always quite have the words... It is quite fun to see how you mind works during these little moments.

For instance, the other evening you had a little trouble with lining up the buttons on your pajamas, so you asked me for some help. As I re-buttoned your shirt I suggested that you start with the bottom button, because I find that it makes it easier. I also mentioned that I used to get my buttons wrong when I was a child.

After that admission you looked me in the face very carefully, as if seeing me for the first time, and said “I bet you had a lot of problems as a child.”

I did, kiddo, I did. And I still do, on most days. But you and your sister sure make most of those problems fun.

You are adorable in your current flux state; you bounce between four and sixteen years old at surprising speed.

Recently other people’s feelings have become important, especially since the social groups at school change so quickly and the smallest actions can be construed as hurtful or mean.

Today, shortly after stepping on your mom’s foot and struggling with an apology, you mentioned that a friend from school had hurt your feelings.

Your mother told you she was sorry to hear that, and, being fully aware that you give as good as you get, asked you “Do you ever hurt anyone’s feelings?”

With every ounce of truth you could summon you responded “No, just my family.”

You are tremendously sweet, little Alphie. Even when you are misbehaving.

This evening you had a little trouble going to bed. Two hours after your bed time you were not only still awake, but standing in front of me asking if I would come upstairs, give you a hug, and turn on some lullaby music.

I told you that I would give you a hug immediately and that you then needed to go upstairs, clear all the books off of your bed, get all your stuffed animals and pillows arranged in a fashion that allowed you to sleep, and climb in bed. I further explained that while you did that I would finish up a few things and then I would come upstairs, turn some music on, tuck you into your covers, and give you another hug.

And you smiled at me and said “I was hoping there was another hug at the end of that story.”

Today you brought home a chant from school. Apparently, the kids at school tease one another by saying:

Made you look, made you look, now you’re in the baby book.

And you indicated that you get teased with it from time to time.

We’ve worked on this a little bit before, and you had two suggestions to solve it:

1. “Perhaps I can ask them not to tease me.”
2. “Perhaps I could write them a card that I take into school that says ‘Please don’t tease me; that words you say to me are not nice words, please don’t say them ever again, thank you, your best friend, Alphie.’”

You then proceeded to narrate the creation of cards to each of your friends at school, with varying levels of language that reflected your various relationships (from “You are my best friend because you don’t tease me, thank you!” to “Please don’t hit and punch me, your friend Alphie”).

From my own experience, I don’t believe asking a bully to stop has ever been effective. The formality might be required for political purposes (or maybe just to ensure you feel you tried), but I have found that the only way to stop people from bullying you is to show them that there will be real consequences to them trying.

Of course, four years old is a little too young to learn that lesson, so I had to nod, smile and tell you I thought those ideas were great and that you would have to see if your friends listen to you.

However, the first thing that ran through my head was:

Sweetie, when they start teasing you, I want you to look them in the eye and yell back at them as loud as you can “Made you yell, made you yell, now you’re going straight to hell.”

You could say I have a small problem judging “fair” retaliation. In my defense, it is a family trait that both your Aunt Liz and Uncle Luke have as well. (Oh, and your mom might have a small drive for “justice”, too.)

I am happy you have shown me it is not instinctual. However, I’m sure that someday you’ll learn the value of being the craziest motherfucker in the room.

For better or for worse.